When You Still Love Someone Who Keeps Hurting You
When You Still Love Someone Who Keeps Hurting You
One of the hardest things to admit is:
“I know this relationship hurts me, but I still love them.”
You may feel embarrassed by that.
You may wonder why you haven't been able to simply walk away.
You may think that if you really understood what was happening, you wouldn't still have feelings for this person.
But human emotions don't work that way.
Understanding that a relationship is unhealthy does not automatically turn love off.
You can love someone and still know the relationship isn't healthy
These things can coexist.
You can love someone and know you cannot continue living the way you have been living.
You can miss someone and still know that contact with them destabilizes you.
You can remember beautiful moments and still recognize the destructive pattern.
You can grieve what you had — and what you hoped you would have — while also choosing yourself.
Healing does not require you to hate the person.
Why is it so difficult to let go?
There may be many layers.
You may be grieving the actual relationship.
You may be grieving the future you imagined.
You may be attached to the person they were during the good periods.
You may still be hoping for the relationship you always wanted.
You have likely experienced plenty of intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding, or years of having your self-trust gradually eroded.
And you may simply love them.
And while I can tell you that there is no shame in that, my experience is that being in a toxic relationship carrie immense shame.
Learn More About Shame and Narcissistic Abuse →
Sometimes you're grieving more than the person
After narcissistic abuse, people often grieve not only the relationship but the version of themselves they were before it.
You may miss who you were.
You may miss your confidence.
You may miss the future you thought you were building.
You may miss the feeling of being hopeful.
That is real grief.
And grief doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision.
What if you still want them?
You don't have to make yourself stop having feelings.
Instead, you can begin separating feelings from decisions.
Feeling love does not mean you have to return.
Missing someone does not mean you should contact them.
Feeling guilty does not mean you have done something wrong.
Wanting them to change does not mean you have to wait.
Your feelings are information to pay attention to.
I Always Tell Clients That The Healing Happens In The Truth
You don't have to rewrite your history to move forward.
“I loved this person” and “The way I was treated was not okay.”
“There were beautiful moments” and “The relationship was hurting me.”
“Part of me still wants them” and “I am choosing myself.”
Those aren't contradictions.
They're part of healing.
The goal isn't necessarily to stop caring. It is to reach a place where caring about someone else no longer requires abandoning yourself.
You don't have to stop loving someone before you can choose yourself.