EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse

Why Is EMDR Particularly Helpful For Narcissistic Abuse?

The effects of narcissistic abuse are complicated because, not only have you been abused, but you have also been convinced by the abuser to doubt your experiences. Or worse still, that you caused or deserved the abuse. EMDR can be pivotal to recreating safety in the mind and body because it can be used to dissolve the traumatic experiences, memories, triggers and the resulting beliefs.

We might begin with something that's showing up now:

A memory

A dream

A trigger or reaction

A feeling in your body

Something you suddenly can't stop thinking about

Or with a particular experience:

Gaslighting or repeated humiliation

The moment you realized the relationship wasn't what you thought

The discard

Threats or intimidation

Infidelity or betrayal

Childhood experiences with a narcissistic parent

Traumatic experiences during divorce or custody

The aftermath of leaving

One of the most powerful ways EMDR can support recovery from narcissistic abuse is that future fears and situations can also become part of the EMDR work.

What Beliefs Can EMDR Help Address?

Things like:

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm powerless."

"I can't trust myself."

“It’s not safe to trust anyone.”

"It's my fault."

“I deserved it.”

"I'm not safe."

"I have to keep everyone happy."

"I don't matter."

"I can't say no."

“I’ll never recover from this.”

Your Body May Know Before Your Mind Does

Traumatic experiences aren't necessarily experienced only as thoughts. They may also show up in the body. Over and over again, I have heard clients say, “I don't know what it's about, but I feel anxiety in my chest, throat, or stomach,” or “I feel heaviness or tension in my shoulders,” without really knowing—or needing to know—which experience the sensations may be linked to. The beauty of EMDR is that they don't have to know, nor do they have to relive the trauma.

One of the things I pay close attention to during therapy is what your body is communicating.

You may notice:

a tightness in your chest

a knot in your stomach

a racing heart

tension in your body

a sudden feeling of fear

anger that seems to come out of nowhere

heaviness or numbness

an overwhelming urge to escape

a feeling that something is wrong even when you can't explain why

These responses are information. Your body can respond to experiences that your conscious mind has learned to minimize, rationalize, or move past.

My job isn't to tell you what your body should be saying. It's to help you listen to what it is already telling you.

What an EMDR Session Looks Like

All of my therapy sessions are conducted virtually through Zoom, including EMDR sessions.

Because EMDR involves following my hand as it moves back and forth across your screen, you need to participate from a laptop or desktop computer with a sufficiently wide screen. EMDR cannot be conducted effectively from a phone.

As with any therapy session, you will need to be somewhere safe and private where you can speak openly without being overheard or interrupted.

During EMDR

Once we have identified what we're going to work with, I will guide you through sets of eye movements by moving my hand back and forth across your screen for you to follow with your eyes.

After several rounds, we pause.

We check in.

We notice what has come up, what has shifted, and what you are experiencing.

Then, when appropriate, we continue.

You don't have to force anything or figure out what you're "supposed" to be experiencing.

I will guide you through the process and we will work with what emerges.

At the End of Your Session

I don't want you to feel like you are simply stopping in the middle of deep therapeutic work because the clock has run out.

I make sure there is enough time at the end of your session to wrap up the work, check in with you, and help you feel safe and grounded before we stop for the day.

That ending matters.

You should be able to leave your session feeling supported rather than abruptly dropped back into the rest of your day.

Why I May Begin With Amino Acid Therapy

For some clients, I find that beginning amino acid therapy before starting EMDR can be very helpful.

My preference is for clients who are using amino acid therapy as part of their treatment plan to take it approximately 30–60 minutes before an EMDR session.

The intention is to help you arrive feeling safe, calm, and grounded before we begin the processing work.

In my clinical experience, when a client is already feeling more settled and regulated, they may be able to engage more comfortably in EMDR without having to work as hard to regulate themselves at the same time.

I have also found that, for some clients, this preparation may allow the EMDR work to move more efficiently and may mean that fewer EMDR sessions are needed.

This is not a promise of a specific number of sessions. Every person and every experience is different.

My goal is not to rush the process. It is to help create the conditions in which you can do the work safely and effectively.

Learn More About Amino Acid Therapy  →

What If I Don't Have One Big Traumatic Memory?

That's okay.

Narcissistic abuse is often cumulative.

There may not be one event you can point to and say, "That's the trauma."

Instead, there may be years of experiences that gradually changed the way you see yourself, other people, and the world.

You may have learned to question yourself.

You may have learned to anticipate someone else's reactions.

You may have learned that your needs were dangerous to express.

You may have learned to ignore what your body was telling you.

You may be stuck in hurt and / or anger.

EMDR does not require you to have one clearly defined traumatic event.

We can begin with what is showing up for you now and allow the work to unfold from there.

What If Something Unexpected Comes Up?

Sometimes the thing that brings you into therapy isn't actually the thing that needs the most attention.

You may come in because you are struggling after a breakup and discover that a much older experience is connected to what you're feeling.

You may have a dream that brings up an emotion you haven't felt in years.

You may become unexpectedly upset by something that seems small.

Rather than dismissing these experiences, we can become curious about them.

Your mind and body may be showing us where the healing needs to happen.

You Don't Have to Force the Healing

I don't believe you have to dig up every painful memory in chronological order.

I don't believe you have to know exactly what is wrong before you begin.

And I don't believe healing should be about forcing yourself to revisit experiences before you're ready.

I meet you where you are.

We establish safety.

And when something presents itself that is ready to be worked through, we address it.

EMDR Is Part of a Broader Approach

EMDR is one part of my individualized approach to narcissistic abuse recovery.

Healing from narcissistic abuse needs an individualized approach.

Some people need to begin by creating a greater sense of safety and stability.

Some are ready to begin processing immediately.

Some benefit from amino acid therapy before beginning EMDR.

Some may need to work through a current situation before an older experience becomes accessible.

I meet you where you are and build the treatment around what you need.

What EMDR Can Help You Move Toward

The goal isn't simply to make a painful memory less upsetting.

The larger goal is to help you move through life differently.

To trust yourself.

To feel safer in your own body.

To respond instead of automatically reacting.

To recognize what belongs to the past and what is actually happening now.

To stop carrying responsibility for someone else's behavior.

To establish boundaries without being consumed by guilt.

To feel more present.

To feel more like yourself again.

And ultimately, to reclaim your life.

You Don't Have to Know What Needs to Be Healed Before You Begin

You don't have to come to therapy with all the answers.

You don't have to know which memory matters.

You don't have to understand why you're reacting the way you are.

You can simply start where you are.

Together, we'll listen to what your mind and body are telling us and work from there.