Intermittent Reinforcement: Why the Good Moments Keep You Stuck
Intermittent Reinforcement: Why the Good Moments Keep You Stuck
One of the most confusing parts of narcissistic abuse is that the relationship may not be bad all the time.
In fact, sometimes the good moments are incredibly good.
There may be affection, apologies, promises, intimacy, generosity, connection, or moments when you feel completely understood.
And then the behavior changes again.
The criticism returns.
The withdrawal returns.
The manipulation returns.
The instability returns.
You may find yourself waiting for the good version of the person to come back.
This is one reason intermittent reinforcement can make an unhealthy relationship so difficult to leave.
What is intermittent reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement refers to a pattern in which positive experiences are unpredictable and occur intermittently rather than consistently.
You don't know when the affection will come.
You don't know when the approval will return.
You don't know when the person will become warm again.
That unpredictability can make the positive moments feel especially powerful.
You may find yourself thinking:
“Maybe things are finally going to be different.”
“This is the person I fell in love with.”
“Maybe I just need to be more patient.”
“If I can get back to this version of us, everything will be okay.” Yeah, no it won’t.
“What if I never feel that connection again?”
This is one I hear frequently. Let’s hope you never have a “connection” like that again. Instead, let’s hope you have a connection that is safe, authentic, real, joyful, loving and healthy.
Why the good moments can keep you attached
If someone were cruel every minute of every day, the relationship might be easier to recognize as unhealthy.
The confusing part is the contrast.
The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing: The loving moments give you hope.
The painful moments create distress.
Then another loving moment arrives and gives you relief.
You may become increasingly focused on getting back to that relief.
This can create a powerful emotional cycle:
pain → uncertainty → hope → connection → relief → pain again
This fuels the trauma bond.
Why leaving can feel harder than you expected
After leaving, you may find yourself remembering the good moments more than the painful ones.
You may wonder:
“Did I make a mistake?”
“What if they really have changed?”
This is one reason education and support can be so valuable during recovery.
Understanding the pattern can help you distinguish between missing the person and missing the relief, connection, hope, or version of the relationship you wanted it to become.
Healing means learning to tolerate the absence of the cycle
One of the hardest parts of recovery may be learning that peace can initially feel unfamiliar.
When your nervous system has become accustomed to unpredictability, consistency can feel strange.
You may have to learn that love does not need to be earned.
That affection does not need to be chased.
That safety does not need to be negotiated.
And that you don't need to endure pain in order to experience connection.
You deserve a relationship in which the good moments aren't rewards for surviving the bad ones.
This doesn't mean you imagined the good moments
This is important.
The good moments may have been completely real.
Your love may have been real.
Your connection may have been real.
Your memories may be real.
This is where I often see clients actually gaslighting themselves: “I must have been imagining it”.
Healing does not require you to pretend that everything was bad.
You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship was unhealthy.
You can miss someone and still know that going back would hurt you.
You can grieve the relationship without deciding that leaving was a mistake.
Two truths can exist at the same time..
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