Shame and Narcissistic Abuse: Why You Feel Ashamed of What Happened to You
Shame is another trap laid by the narcissist. Designed to distract you from the abuse, avoid exposing them and keep you stuck, afraid to ask for help.
DON’T FALL INTO THE TRAP.
Shame and Narcissistic Abuse: Why You Feel Ashamed of What Happened to You
“I feel so stupid.”
“I can't believe I let this happen to me.”
“Why didn't I see it sooner?”
“I'm embarrassed that I stayed.”
“How could I have been so wrong about someone?”
I hear versions of these statements from clients again and again.
They may have spent months — sometimes years — trying to understand the narcissistic relationship itself. They have researched gaslighting, trauma bonding, narcissism, manipulation, coercive control, and everything else they can find.
And yet underneath all of that understanding is often something much harder to talk about: Shame.
Shame can be one of the things that keeps you from reaching out for help.
Shame Is Different From Guilt
Guilt says:
“I did something wrong.”
Shame says:
“There is something wrong with me.”
That distinction matters.
If you made a mistake, guilt can sometimes help you recognize it, repair it, and make a different choice.
Shame is different.
Shame turns an experience into an identity.
Instead of:
“I stayed in a relationship that was hurting me.”
Shame says:
“I'm the kind of person who stays in relationships that hurt me.”
Instead of:
“I trusted someone who turned out not to be who I thought they were.”
shame says:
“I can't trust my own judgment.”
Shame can be so destructive after narcissistic abuse:
It doesn't simply make you feel bad about what happened.
It changes the story you tell yourself about who you are.