Flying Monkeys
Flying Monkeys: When Others Get Pulled Into the Abuse
In the language of narcissistic abuse, "flying monkeys" refers to people the narcissist recruits — knowingly or not — to help control, harass, or pressure their target. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends her winged monkeys to do her bidding, and it's stuck because it captures something real: these individuals act on the narcissist's behalf, often without fully realizing it.
Who get Recruited?
Almost anyone can be recruited. The narcissist is not picky but they do have a knack for choosing monkeys who will be effective at perpetuating the abuse: friends, family members, coworkers, teachers, new partners, or even therapists and mutual acquaintances.
In divorce and custody cases with narcissists, it’s not unusual for attorneys, parenting time evaluators, psychological evaluators and other professionals involved to get pulled in to continue the dirty work of the narcissist.
Narcissists are often skilled at presenting a curated, sympathetic version of events, casting themselves as the victim and their target as unstable, cruel, or unreasonable. People who only hear this one-sided story have no reason to question it — so they step in to "help," unknowingly reinforcing the abuse. Narcissists take great joy in watching the flying monkeys at work
The Flying Monkeys In Action
Their involvement can take many forms:
Relaying messages or pressure ("They just want to talk, can't you at least hear them out?")
Guilt-tripping the target on the narcissist's behalf
Spreading the narcissist's version of events to isolate the target socially
Monitoring or reporting the target's activities back to the narcissist
Showing up to intervene during conflicts, usually in the narcissist's favor
Some flying monkeys are willing participants who enjoy the drama or attention. Others are simply well-meaning people who've been manipulated and have no idea they're being used as a tool of control.
Why This Dynamic Is So Damaging
Flying monkeys multiply the psychological pressure on the target. What might otherwise be a contained conflict between two people becomes a chorus of outside voices reinforcing the narcissist's narrative. This can lead the target to doubt their own perception of events, feel increasingly isolated, and question whether they're the one in the wrong — even when they aren't.
It also makes leaving or maintaining boundaries much harder, since the target isn't just resisting one person, but an entire network that's been enlisted, directly or indirectly, to wear down their resolve.
Coping With Flying Monkeys
Part of the problem with the flying monkeys is that it is so triggering when other people are believing the narcissist’s lies and going to bat for them. The temptation is huge to defend yourself and, at the same time, try to expose their pathology. Don’t. This usually backfires. AND the narcissist loves this. It’s a trap Don’t fall into it.
Limit what you share. Not everyone needs full details of the situation, especially people who have close ties to the narcissist.
Recognize the pattern, not just the individuals. It's easier to stay grounded when you see the messenger as part of a larger dynamic rather than taking each interaction personally.
Set boundaries without over-explaining. You don't owe anyone — including flying monkeys — a defense of your decisions.
Lean on people who see the full picture. A therapist, support group, or the few people who know the whole story can help counterbalance the outside noise.