We believe in simple ideas, strong relationships, and lasting impact.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior designed to restrict another person's freedom, independence, choices, and sense of safety.
It can happen in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and other relationships where one person has an ongoing ability to exert power over another.
Coercive control isn't necessarily one dramatic act.
It is often a pattern.
The individual behaviors may seem small when viewed separately. Together, they can create an environment in which you are constantly monitoring yourself and the other person.
Coercive Control: The Abuse No One Else Can See
Not all abuse leaves a visible mark.
Sometimes there are no screaming matches, no obvious threats, and no single event that you can point to and say, “That was the abuse.”
Instead, there is a gradual erosion of your freedom.
You begin changing what you say because you know how the other person will react.
You stop seeing certain people. Your world shrinks.
You think twice before making ordinary decisions.
You monitor their mood.
You explain yourself constantly.
You begin to feel as though your life is no longer entirely your own.
This can be coercive control.
What can coercive control look like?
It can include:
Controlling who you spend time with
Monitoring your phone, messages, or whereabouts
Controlling finances or access to money
Repeatedly criticizing your appearance, abilities, or decisions
Making you feel guilty for spending time with other people
Punishing you with silence, withdrawal, anger, or rejection
Creating rules that apply to you but not to them
Demanding constant explanations about where you've been or what you've done
Threatening consequences if you don't comply
Interfering with your work, friendships, or family relationships
Making you responsible for managing their emotions
Gradually convincing you that you cannot make good decisions without them
Sometimes the control is so gradual that you don't recognize how much freedom you've lost until you try to reclaim it.
What coercive control can do to you
Living in an environment where you constantly anticipate another person's reaction can keep your nervous system on alert.
You may become hypervigilant.
You may have difficulty relaxing.
You may feel anxious about making ordinary decisions.
You may lose touch with what you actually want because so much of your energy goes toward avoiding conflict or keeping someone else happy.
Over time, you can lose confidence in your own judgment.
Healing often involves more than simply understanding what happened.
It involves rebuilding your ability to make decisions, set boundaries, tolerate someone else's reaction, and trust yourself again.
You don't have to wait for something dramatic to happen
You don't need a single catastrophic event to justify taking your experience seriously.
If you have gradually become smaller, quieter, more isolated, more anxious, or less free in order to keep another person happy or safe, it is worth paying attention to that pattern.
Therapy can provide a place to slow everything down and examine what is actually happening without judgment.
You can begin separating your own needs and instincts from the expectations that have been placed on you.
And you can begin rebuilding a sense of autonomy.
You are allowed to have a life that belongs to you.
Why can coercive control be so difficult to explain?
One of the most frustrating parts of coercive control is that other people may not see it.
From the outside, the relationship may look completely normal.
The person controlling you may be charming, successful, generous, or well-liked.
They may behave differently around other people.
And because there may not be one dramatic incident, you may struggle to explain why you feel so trapped.
You may even question yourself:
“Am I making too much of this?”
“Maybe I'm just too sensitive.”
“Maybe every relationship is like this.”
That self-doubt can become part of the problem.